Getting through February

When the grief shows up unexpectedly

This morning I woke up with a heavy feeling in my heart. I always struggle with February weather. It reminds me of the last days with both of my parents. I spent countless hours in hospitals and hospice rooms as they both passed this time of year. I would look out of the hospital windows to see the same dreary landscape of brown limbs stripped of their apparent life up against gray skies. This morning was that same landscape.

And then it hit me what day it was. February 12th. It was exactly twelve years ago today that Mama’s soul went back home.

I had slept beside her the night before and woke up at 7am to a hospice nurse standing over the bed taking Mom’s vitals. “Is she still here?”, I asked the nurse. “Yes,” she said. “Her vitals are still strong”. Mom had been unconscious for three days now so I knew her leaving was imminent.

I got up and washed my face, then sat down to read out of my morning devotional. I read these words to her: “I am ever so near you, hovering over your shoulder…” when suddenly a bright ray of sun came through those clouds and landed right on her face through the window! Mom’s eyes were very sensitive so I said, “Oh Mom, I know you hate that sun in your eyes” and I got up to close the window blinds. I sat back down and started to read to her again when my friend Ellen walked in.

Ellen: “Hi. How are you doing this morning?”

Me: “Fine. I’m just reading to her.”

Ellen: “Uhhhh, Marcia… I don’t think she’s with us now.”

Me: “Yes, she is! A nurse just came in and took her vitals and said they were strong.”

Ellen, gently said, “Honey, she’s gone. Let me go get a nurse.” Sure enough, the nurse came right back and she had passed.

I honestly didn’t even know how to process it. For those of you who have sat vigil by a dying loved one, you know what I’m talking about. Even though you’ve been expecting it, it still feels like a truck just ran you over. Life has changed. Everything is different now. I remembering finally sobbing in the car ride home as I watched the rest of the world going about their business as usual and I wanted to scream, “HEY! Stop acting like this is just an ordinary day because IT’S NOT!”. Well, it sure wasn’t ordinary for me.

Time has passed and the grief stays on the perimeters of my life most of the time now. But dang, it still creeps up on me - especially on February 12th.

In honor of Mom, I’m reposting a little blog I wrote right before she passed. Thank you for indulging me as I remember her today.

For those of you who are grieving someone or something as well today, we can remember that grief only comes from missing what we loved. Aren’t we lucky to have experienced love? Yes… yes, we are.

I’m grateful to have been loved by her.

I recently found a picture of Mother when she was probably in her early 20's.... just married to my Dad. On the back of the picture, in my Father's handwriting, it said, "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World." Made my heart melt. :-)

Mom was beautiful. A simple lady. The youngest child born to Hardy and Bess Harrison. Met my Dad at a Baptist Church Camp and married him when she was 21 yrs old. They tried for years to have a child with no luck... so they got on a waiting list to adopt a child, and after 13 years of marriage, they finally got ME. :-) They actually picked me up from my foster family on Feb. 14th, 1962... so I was their Valentine's Day present that year.

Mom and I definitely had our ups and downs as Mother and daughter. I felt she didn't understand me many times, and I guess she must've felt I didn't understand her. We had MAJOR fights, especially during my teen years and young adult life. Luckily, we've had the chance to mend all those feelings and come to truly understand one another. It's a gift that I'll always treasure.

I've got a reclining chair pulled up beside my Mother's bed in hospice tonight. As I was laying there beside her, holding her hand and watching her labored breathing, I noticed a nurse had quietly walked into our room and was standing over us.

"Do you know how lucky you are?".. said the nurse.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I would have given anything to have been able to be beside MY Mother for a few hours before her passing."she said.
"Did she pass suddenly?", I asked.
"Yes, she fell and broke her hip and she went into surgery but she didn't make it through the surgery. It all happened very quick. The last I saw of my Mom, she was smiling and waving to me as she was being taken into surgery. It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be coming out."
"I'm so sorry. I'll bet that was hard.". I said.
And then the sweet nurse said,"I know this is a hard time sweetheart, but count yourself one of the lucky ones... and treasure this time with your Mom."

So... that's what I'm going to do. I'm shutting the computer and the phone down and it's just gonna be me and her until she's safe in Jesus' arms.

Love you all..... M