Searching for Sunday

When you've lost faith in organized religion

I grew up Southern Baptist. Church was a huge part of my weekly routine, not only on Sunday mornings, but Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights too. All of my parents’ friends were from the Christian faith, and most of mine were too. Being a good Christian (aka being a Baptist), was the only way to be assured you were in good standing with God. At least, that’s how I believed until I met a Church of Christ boy, got pregnant, and married. In that order. God bless us.

Now I was attending the local Church of Christ every time the doors were open and I was learning that their path to God was actually the only “right” way. They even made me get re-baptized.

I remember that Saturday morning in the little town of Nashville, AR very well. I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes and about to sit down for some quality time with my new husband and six month old baby boy when there was a knock at our apartment door. We opened the door to find the church minister and his wife standing there, looking visibly upset. We welcomed them in and after a few pleasantries, they got right down to business. “We just learned that Marcia hasn’t been baptized properly,” the pastor said. “Oh don’t worry,” I said, “I’ve actually been baptized twice already,” I said with a little giggle. (Twice? Yes, but that’s a story for a different day). “Well, you may have been baptized into the Baptist church, but that’s not God’s church. We are here this morning to take you to the church right now and give you a proper baptism.” I looked at my husband as if to say, “Are they joking?”, but I could tell by the look on his face that they were definitely not joking, and he definitely wasn’t going to interfere.

“But I need to stay here with my baby right now,” I said. “It’s time for his bottle and nap.” “That’s why my wife is here,” the pastor said. “She is going to take care of your baby so you and your husband can go with me to the church. This is a matter of eternal life or death.”

My husband gave me a look that said, “Let’s go” - and so we went. Baptism #3 was about to happen.

The next morning at the church service, the leaders of the church had me come up to the front of the auditorium to face the rest of the congregation as they happily announced that they had a “new sister in Christ” and told of my baptism into God’s family. Several of the ladies I had been attending Sunday School with for the previous months came up to hug me and rejoice. One lady said to me, “I can’t believe it! We all thought you were already a Christian!” to which I replied, “Yeah, me too!” She laughed, thinking I was just kidding around, but I wasn’t. The whole thing was bizarre to me, but who was I to argue with these sweet people who had taken us into their community and loved us so well.

Fast forward through the years. We moved to Nashville, TN and I eventually stopped going to church completely. Without the pressure of a small community who would be disappointed if you didn’t show up for church every Sunday (actually they would show up at your house wondering where you were), I just didn’t feel like getting up every Sunday to hear sermons I didn’t really agree with.

After my divorce, I found myself missing a church community, and I started attending a non-denominational church that quickly grew to become what they now call a “mega church”. I was very active, even leading worship there. I loved it for many years — until I didn’t. Ugly church politics and the pastor’s moral failures left me feeling disillusioned. So I found another church - and the exact same thing happened.

But I wasn’t ready to give up on church just yet. I found still another church but this time it was filled with what I now know is called Christian Nationalism and it quickly turned my stomach. They started preaching right-wing politics from the pulpit and I had to walk away. Again.

Was it me? Was I the problem? Why couldn’t I find a church community that I felt was right for me? Maybe I just needed to try harder.

One Saturday evening, as I was contemplating getting up the next day to go “church shopping” again, I started praying about it. There are not many times in my life that I can say I heard God actually speak to me, but that evening was one of them. It’s hard to describe the feeling when it happens, but let me just say, the message was loud and clear: “I don’t need you to keep searching for a church. Right now, I just need you to search for Me.” Whoa. Ok, God… I got it. And so began a decade of Sunday mornings in my sunroom, just me and God. I practiced deeper Bible study than ever. I read books from theologians who guided me towards a faith that seemed more…well, real. I prayed and meditated and asked for the Holy Spirit to lead me towards truth. And I grew more as a Christian than I ever had in my church days.

One of my favorite books is by Rachel Held Evans. It’s called Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving and Finding the Church. It has reminded me of the power of a faith community. I have always believed that we aren’t meant to go through life alone. We can’t grow in faith, learn to love each other better, or understand true belonging without it. In healthy community we can find healing, which we all need. We can’t be Christians on our own. We need each other’s help.

Clearly I’m not the only person who has gotten disillusioned with attending church. In 2020, 47% of Americans reported belonging to a church, synagogue, or mosque, down from 70% in 1999. I go could into all the reasons here, but I think the main reason could be that they just aren’t finding God within the walls of the church. Like me, they are looking for God outside of the church now - in nature, in other humans, and in themselves. These are the places God has become alive to me in the last few years. The Kingdom of God is here - we just have to know where to look.

Am I saying all churches are bad, or empty of benefit to the world? No. I know there are some that still listen to the Holy Spirit and lead their congregations well. I actually have started attending one here in Nashville I recently found to be just that. However, I’m just saying that if you are struggling to connect with God within the walls of your church, you can look other places and I promise you will find the Divine.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” - Matthew 7:7-8

God will not hide from those earnestly seeking him. Or her. ;-)

Another great book is Barbara Brown Taylor’s Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith. Barbara is is an American Episcopal priest, academic, and author. She has written several books that have helped shape my spiritual life and how I connect with God. It’s a beautifully written book.

I’ll close today by saying that “church” can be what you make it. Maybe you have an organized religious connection that is working for you. If so, great! But for those of us who have found it isn’t working for us anymore, we can make our own faith-based communities. If you are struggling with finding a community of open, authentic, faith-filled God-seekers, I’d love to invite you to join an online book club that GAMG is starting in March. We are partnering with Staci Frenes, who will lead us through BBT’s amazing book, An Altar In The World: A Geography of Faith. It’s her follow up to Leaving Church and I can’t wait to dig into it with some faith-filled friends. If you want more information on joining the book club, just email Staci: staci@stacifrenes.com

Richard Rohr has a great quote that says: “Religion should be understood as only the fingers that point you to the moon, but it’s not the moon itself.”

Let’s find the moon together, beloveds.

Love you all… M

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