Speaking up vs. staying silent

Learning how to be bold without blundering... (hint, you can't)

I saw this image this week on someone’s social media and I’ve been pondering over it ever since. Walk through it with me, won’t you?

Starting anything is scary. Whether it’s learning a new trade, a life-skill, or even better communication, we have to eventually do it instead of just sitting on the sidelines watching others do it, reading about it or studying it. We have to risk failing at it in order to get better at it.

As someone who has always been afraid of failure or criticism, pushing myself to try something, even if I do it terribly, has always been a stumbling block for me. What if I fail? What if I do it wrong? What if others criticize me?

Learning to speak up about things I believe are wrong has always been one of those things I’ve been shy about. It’s possibly tied to my religious upbringing. When I was a child, if I saw anything in church or in the theology I was being taught that didn’t seem right, I was told to keep my mouth shut. “Don’t question it,” “Don’t argue,” “Don’t disagree,” they said. Especially as a woman, we were taught to stay silent. Learn, don’t teach. Listen, don’t speak. Believe, don’t doubt.

Now, as an adult I’m trying to find my voice. The voice that was silenced for so long.

But how do I speak up without hurting someone’s feelings, making them mad at me, or just pissing someone off.

I’m learning that it is impossible.

But it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

As I’ve gotten older, I’m learning to be bolder about speaking up, asking questions, and writing about issues that are important to me. But with this new boldness, I’ve probably made some missteps along the way. At first it felt awful. It felt like I was doing something wrong. I got embarrassed when people would attempt to correct me or prove another point that I hadn’t considered. At one point, I even thought I should just go back to being silent. But it didn’t take long for me to know that going back wasn’t an option.

Why? Because with every misstep, I learned something.

When I started my music career, I made a ton of mistakes. Learning how to mix my headphones in the studio so that I could sing on pitch and blend with the artist didn’t happen overnight. It was trial and error. Over and over again. But with each session that I left feeling defeated because I didn’t do it well, I had a lesson to take into the next one to make it a little bit better.

It’s been the same with learning how to speak up and use my voice to help others. Sometimes, I actually hurt people I care about in the process.

Last week, I posted a political opinion on social media that I knew might ruffle some feathers, but I still posted because I believed it was important to share. A friend of mine posted a comment under it that was ambiguous, but at the same time, very telling. She didn’t like my post at all. She quickly deleted her comment, but I had already seen it. Then she posted something on her page that I knew was addressing my post and it was clear she was upset about it. She said she wished people would stop posting political things because it insinuated that if she didn’t agree with it, that she was wrong, uneducated, deceived etc… and that it was hurtful.

I had to take some time to ponder her response. My intention is never to hurt anyone personally when I post my opinions. I try really hard to attack problems, not people. And as a Christian who spent many years being convinced I was absolutely right in my religious beliefs only to realize that many things I believe were actually not true, I sincerely try to stay open-minded when someone gives me information that might show I have a skewed perspective on something.

When we are proven wrong, we learn.

Staying silent so that no one thinks you are stupid, misguided, deceived, uneducated or just plain wrong, is how I used to live my life. But I can’t do that anymore. So I find myself blundering through and “doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it.” - Thanks, Van Gogh.

So be patient with me as I learn to speak up better. I’m a work in progress.

Funny enough, I see other friends learning how to be silent better. It’s more confirmation that God works in us individually, teaching us lessons that we need, while teaching others lessons they need. So while God is nudging me to work on using my voice, God is nudging her to work on holding her tongue. Both are valid. I saw this post this yesterday:

While I agree that sometimes it’s best to hold your tongue, I’m not sure I agree with all of these “rules”.

1. Do we ever know the “full story”? When can we be sure we do indeed know it so that we can now speak up? Many times we think we know it, but we don’t. So waiting around to speak up, making doubly sure we have the right perspective, could possibly keep us silent always.

2. This one I can sign off on. We must be able to respond and not just react. Our emotions can hinder this.

3. Again - probably a good one. Letting anger cool before responding helps the “responding, not reacting” thing.

4. Truth will offend. Jesus offended many, many people.

5. If speaking truth in a kind way runs off a friend - they weren’t your friend.

6. This is probably good advice.

7. If a bond can be broken because you spoke up for something you deem important, then the bond isn’t worth the glue holding it together.

Is it possible to always speak up and never misstep?

Is it possible to always stay silent and not be part of the problem?

I say no to both.

I don’t have all the answers here, and I’d love to know your thoughts. How do you balance speaking up vs. staying silent? How do you measure your words for maximum impact and minimal injury to those in the fray? How do we speak truth to power without feeling like you are constantly in a boxing ring with people you love?

C’mon friends. I know you have thoughts! I’m all ears….

Love, M