The Healing Process

The spiritual discipline of tending to our wounds

I’ve had a heck of a week. And not in a good way. :-(

Our Theo

Many of you know that our dog Theo was attacked by some kind of raptor a couple of weeks ago and he nearly died. It’s been hard trying to keep him still and help him heal through two different surgeries. He’s hurting from the deep wounds in his little body, but he’s a dog and he doesn’t understand that in order to heal, he must be still and let his body recover. He wants to return to his life as a dog, running and jumping and playing with his brother, Buddy - but that isn’t in his best interest right now. Thank goodness for Trazadone. That helps keep him calm enough to allow his body to do the healing work it needs to do. Hopefully in a couple of weeks, he’ll be back to the “dog life” that he loves.

I too, am recovering from a deep wound. Mine is an emotional wound, and it takes a different kind of healing. Theo was attacked by an animal, but I was attacked by someone I love deeply. The words said to me were mean-spirited, unfair and untrue. It came out of nowhere. Just like that raptor ripped open Theo’s little belly, I too felt like I had been ripped open - not by talons, but by hateful words. So, Theo and I have had a couple of slow days on the couch together, binge watching Dr. Odyssey, both licking our wounds and trying to figure out how to move forward.

My mind has replayed the conversation over and over. Well, to call it a “conversation” isn’t accurate, since I could only stand in shock as hurtful, untrue words were hurled at me and then a door slammed in my face. I went home and dried my tears and tried to process it all. Questions started running through my mind. Did I deserve it? No. Were the words true? No. So why did it hurt me so much? I know this person is in a lot of pain and you know the old saying “hurt people hurt people”. I could see that this person was lashing out because they were hurting and I ended up being the target of their hurt that day. Do they believe the words they said about me? Maybe, but trying to defend myself seemed useless at the time.

I’ve prayed a lot the last few days, asking God what to do and to help me heal. Luckily, I’m reading an amazing book right now called “Radical Acceptance” that has been super helpful as I process my pain. Finding compassion for the person who injured me, as well as compassion for myself has been key in my healing.

Other practices that have been helping me on my healing journey have been:

1. Naming the injury for what it is: It is rejection and betrayal. The words themselves don’t hurt because I know in my heart what they said about me was untrue. But it’s the emotions behind the words that sting.

2. Allowing myself to feel all the feelings about it: I’ve allowed myself to feel anger, hurt, confusion and grief. Ignoring these feelings doesn’t make them go away. Bringing them to the surface helps them pass quicker.

3. Evaluated its impact on me and my life: Will this situation radically change my life? No. It’s a moment in time that will pass.

4. Reached out to trusted friends and family for support: Having those voices remind you of the truth, that this wasn’t my fault and I am not what this person claims me to be, was helpful. These are the same voices in my life that will hold me accountable when I’m in the wrong, so I trust them.

5. Prayer and meditation: I know that getting to true forgiveness over this is the only way I’ll completely heal and I can’t do that without my Higher Power.

I’ve heard it said that forgiveness isn’t about excusing or forgetting what was done but simply relinquishing the desire to hurt them back. Am I there yet? Honestly, no. I have moments of it - but then my ego flares up. How dare they speak to me like that? After all I’ve done for them! But then I take a deep breath and remind myself that only someone who is deeply hurting would do something like this. It isn’t about me at all. This whole situation is about them and I have to remove my ego from it entirely. In the moments I can do that, I feel such peace about it. That’s when I know healing is taking place…slowly, but surely.

The lovely Beth Moore posted this week about her own healing journey from spinal surgeries over the last few months. She started her post by saying, “Sometimes healing feels like it’s going to break us in half, doesn’t it?” Let’s be honest, the journey of healing isn’t fun. It’s hard to lay down anger, indignation and resentment because those are things we use as shields so we don’t get hurt worse. Our ego isn’t always a bad thing as it can protect us at times from being continually stomped on - however, it’s in our vulnerability that we are most human, for better or for worse.

One of the slides in Beth’s post on Instagram about her healing journey was this one:

That question, Who doesn’t want to get well? really jumped out at me, because in that moment as I was reading it, lying on the couch in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself, I realized that some people actually don’t want to heal, and in that brief moment, I was one of them. It felt oddly good to lie there in my pity party for one, own the label of “victim”, and think of ways to get my revenge. I’m not kidding. The thought of revenge felt gooood. Sigh… but then, I realized how ridiculous that line of thinking was. Why would I want to hurt a clearly hurting human being even more? Especially someone that I truly care about.

So, this all means one thing: I have to intentionally choose to do the hard work of healing. Just like Theo has to let me cram his medicines down his throat and he has to limit his fun times, he has to put in the hard work of healing, so that he can find his freedom again — and I do too. Healing really is a spiritual discipline. If we want to be happy, whole, healthy followers of Christ, then we must participate in that discipline - over and over again.

I write this blog for two reasons. First off, writing helps me process my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. And secondly, I hope that in writing down my journey through life’s ups and downs, it might help others too. Maybe you are in a similar situation right now and me telling you this helps you feel not alone. Maybe you have been holding on to a hurt that you can’t get past and this might give you some steps to take towards letting it go. Or maybe it will encourage you to write your feelings down, either publicly or privately to help you process something hard.

The point is that community is part of healing too. Community reminds you that you aren’t alone. No one in this world, no matter how beautiful, rich, successful, or famous they are gets through life without being hurt, mistreated, misunderstood, or maligned. We all have hard days, but it truly helps when you have community to lean on.

Thanks for letting me lean on you today. And I hope that if you had a bad week too, we can both remember that this is just a moment, and it will pass. Life will go on and it will be beautiful, and sad, and joyful, and exciting, and disappointing and all the things, but we can get through it together.

Love to you all… M

P.S. - In my post last week for paid subscribers, I forgot to add my “What I’m Loving Right Now” segment, so I’m adding it as a bonus this week for everyone!

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WHAT I’M LOVING RIGHT NOW:

BOOK: I mentioned it in my post above but this book is rocking my world. I think God brings us what we need just when we need it, and it’s no coincidence that this book has been in my life right now. Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach. (excuse the coffee stains on the cover below. Life happens.)

RECIPE: Spring is here and that means we’ve been grilling again on the patio! This marinade for pork tenderloin is AMAZING. Pork tenderloin is the “filet mignon” of the pig. I love beef filet mignon and this actually helps my craving while eliminating beef from my diet as much as possible. Plus it’s wayyyy cheaper! Remember, this is not pork loin, but pork tenderloin, which are two different cuts of meat. I usually only marinade the pork tenderloin for a few hours. I make it in the morning and let it sit in the fridge all day, then just grab it and throw it on the grill for dinner. I use this meat thermometer to cook to 165 degrees and it comes out perfect! Let me know if you try it!

MOVIE: Conclave. I raved about this movie when it came out. It was my favorite movie last year, and now with the sad passing of Pope Francis and a real life Conclave about to start, I’m re-watching and highly recommend you check it out. Yes, this is a fictional story, and some of it is overdone for dramatic purposes, but I still think it will help you understand what goes on behind the walls of a Conclave. And the one scene where Ralph Fiennes speaks to all the Cardinals about the sin of certainty is worth the entire two hours of your time. If you don’t have time to watch the movie, at least watch this clip. SO GOOD.