The Spiritual Discipline of Curiosity

Learning how to be curious, not furious

My husband and I both share the same sense of humor, which can be bawdy, over-the-top, and humorously indecent at times. In other words, we go for the shock value with no holds barred. It’s pretty common in our house to hear one of us say something completely inappropriate to try and shock the other one into a giggle. Most are short, forgettable exchanges, but there was one time that we both remember vividly (he loves to tell this story on himself), when we were on vacation at Disneyworld. We were watching one of the Disney parades going down main street. I’m eating some ice cream, looking around at all the sweet families, taking in the innocence of the moment and Mike decides to pick this beautiful moment to insert one of his ridiculously bawdy comments and this one truly got me. My mouth dropped open and right before I started laughing hysterically, I looked at him with mocked horror and said, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!” Of course we both fell into fits of laughter as we always do when one of us really comes up with a good shocker. Since that day, we often say to one another “What is wrong with you?!?!” No answer is needed, of course. It’s just our way to acknowledge when the other has said something hilariously inappropriate.

However, have you ever used that question in a sincere way when you see someone do or say something that you consider inappropriate, hurtful, outrageous, or insulting? A very compassionate “What is wrong with you?” might be the ticket. Because usually, when someone acts unloving, something is wrong. Or maybe even “What has happened to you?” or “Are you ok?”, are better questions.

You know the old saying “Hurt people hurt people”. When our initial response to rude/hurtful behavior is to be judgmental, “How dare they say that!” or “What a horrible person they are!”, then we are being reactionary and not responsive. I’ve recently started trying to step back for a moment and be more curious when someone says or does something I feel is out of line. Especially someone who I know to be an otherwise loving human being. I am trying very hard these days to be curious, not furious¹.

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This week on The God and My Girlfriends Podcast, Stacey and I interviewed former Nashville Mayor and current Congressional Candidate, Megan Barry. With this being an election year and the political climate already ramping up, we thought it would be great to talk with Megan about why it’s especially important for women to be paying attention to politics right now, and how we can get involved and make a difference in politics. It’s such a man’s world and I deeply admire any woman who chooses to enter the fray. On the same episode, I had a great conversation in the girlfriend chat segment with my friend,

Melissa Jackson

about how we can talk with others about politics in a grace-filled way. Especially those who we don’t see eye-to-eye with. Melissa and I decided the “be curious, not furious” approach would be a good idea in this situation too.

I think we can use this little slogan in many situations in our lives. We don’t ask enough questions these days. We assume, we judge, we shut-down instead. I’ve done it many, many times - but I’m realizing it’s not a good way to live my life. I truly want to learn how to build bridges with others who see things differently, rather than add to the divided and polarized world we are living in these days.

How can we become curious instead of furious?

Well, first off, we have to be humble. I say that curiosity is a spiritual discipline, because it requires humility, which is a gift of the Spirit. There have been many times in my life that I have been the offender, so it’s not like I’m incapable of being the one who needs compassion when I act out of line. We all have hurts that cause us to act unkind or out of character.

We also need to adopt humility because it’s the only way to really learn. When we think we know it all or have all the answers, then we stop growing. Taking a humble stance of asking questions, so that we can understand someone else’s perspective or experience is a great way for us to learn, and to also heal issues between us.

Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Stephen Covey, the author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” teaches this principle. When we seek first to understand and then to be understood, it requires you to humbly listen with the intent to understand—not just to respond. It requires a posture of humility because it forces you to put someone else before yourself - and it usually requires a connection with God in order to access a truly humble posture when you are being attacked, treated unfairly, or being faced with any kind of injustice. I know that I can’t do it without spiritual help, for sure!

Anyway, as we get closer to election time, I encourage us all to “be curious, not furious” when someone expresses a different opinion from our own about an issue, a platform, or who they plan to vote for. Remember that all of our opinions come from our experiences and it might do us all well to hear how and why someone else feels differently than we do.

And you know what? After we listen to their thoughts and experiences, they just might be willing to listen to ours too. And that is a path towards understanding, connection and collaboration. God knows our country needs more of that these days! Am I right? Am I right??? ;-)

Love ya’ll, M

1. I have looked online to try and find who initially came up with the phrase “get curious, not furious” but with no luck. Wish I could give proper credit cause it’s a great line!